The One Second Smile is dangerous.
25.03.19(Mon) 10:30pm @ Starling Mall
Another nice catch up with a pair of sweet couple whom i knew for a decade. The more they mentioned about the past memories of how we used to hang out, the more i recalled back myself about how happy go lucky i used to be… and right now, i am reading about smiling depression..
Sitting in front of me, their cheeky smiles are so undeniable sweet.
I don’t remember when was the last time i opened up myself and laugh unconditionally..
Time have no mercy.
I thought i have so much time to slowly pick up things that i have been puzzling. People comes and leaves without me realising when did they started to walk out from my little life circle..
The non-stop 2 hours conversation brought up so much memories.. people, moments, and so on… many scenes had slipped away from my brain without me realising it too..
Sometimes, i do suspect that i went through some incidents that caused me memory loss… or i might be having selective memory loss ..
I envy this sweet little couple. I envy how real they being to each other. I envy their glowing happiness .
While i am being seen as a carefree sunshine , i am smiling and struggling with depressive thought on a daily basis.
Smiling depression often goes undetected.
Those who are suffering from it often discount their own feelings and brush them aside. They might not even be aware of their depression or want to acknowledge their symptoms due to a fear of being considered “weak” especially when you have been somewhere that you never want to be seen weak.
Some common symptoms of smiling depression are feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, fatigue, irritability, hopelessness, and despair. Those suffering from this and other forms of depression may also experience problems sleeping, a lack of enjoyment in pleasurable activities, and a loss of libido.
I am lucky that i dozed off immediately whenever i am at a comfy position. I have no sleeping issue. But, i appeared like i am. I always fight against my tiredness , keep myself awake to read, learn, or do some random exercises .. and the reason is to keep myself occupied to avoid smiling depression..
In career, my confidence is unbeatable. My little success story doesn’t come and knock my door in a easy way. My voice and my words state a point from my view. I love what i am doing, now and always. It’s the passion that drives!
In life, my character brought me further than who i could be. I love extreme sports, i love speed, i love challenges, i love achievements.
I try to achieve most of the things that i used to dream when i was a child. The things that i always thought i might not have enough time to achieve.
Well , maybe… this could be one of the reason that caused the mini undetectable depression within me.
I don’t own my freedom when i was younger, i do not have childhood memories. All about my childhood were about trophies and achievements.
“You have to be better. Or , you don’t belong to here.”
That was the little black voice whispering 24/7 to remind myself to work harder and strive for better me.
“You have ran so far, you shouldn’t stop here” again…
People in real life telling me to take a step back, think. In mandarin, we called it “天时 地利 人合”. It means, the opportunity happening at the right time with the right people.
Here comes all the forces around me. Forces that couldn’t be seen. It will then formed some kind of energy which silently attacking the innocent mind.
Peaceful mind, peaceful life.
The One Second Smile is dangerous.
The shallowness is a real killer.